Silent Struggles

Years ago, my silent battle with depression, OCD, OCPD, anxiety, and other mental illnesses began. My battle had a very negative impact on me and my family. The outburst. The way I turned away from people all played a big part of my mental state. 

Thankfully, I have a strong and amazing wife!

One night, she confronted me about what has been going on. I debated with whether or not I would tell her or stay in that “I’m fine” zone. I broke down and started to open up to her. IT WAS THE BEST THING I HAVE DONE!! I explained to her what I was going through as best I could. To her credit, she just laid there and listened. After, she asked how she could help. I told her that best thing she could do was to listen (and the occasional hug wouldn’t hurt).

Two weeks later, I started therapy. It wasn’t very successful. The “therapist” did very little to help me solve anything. Months went by with few sessions available and little more than a conversation,  which I could have had with a friend. So, I stopped the sessions, with little hope of finding someone to help me. 

Again, my wife came to my rescue (have I mentioned how amazing she is?). She found me another therapist whom I went to see on April 1st (the irony was thick). Let me say within the first 15 minutes, I knew I found my therapist and that brought me to tears. She listened to me and explained what we were going to do to help me. She diagnosed me with depression, OCD, OCPD, and anxiety. Things I thought about for some time, but to hear it out loud made such a difference. 

The next few months were challenging, but with my wife and our kids supporting me, I felt for the first time that my life was heading in a better direction. And by the end of the year, my therapist and I stopped our sessions because I was doing so well. 

Sadly, it didn’t last. 

By March of the next year, I went back to therapy. My therapist helped me again as we continued. Unfortunately, shortly after that, she moved out of state. I was in much better mental health than I had been, but I was scared. She gave me a few suggestions for whom I could see after she left. So, my journey began again in search of a new therapist. 

In that time, I struggled quite a bit. Thankfully, it did not take long to find my current therapist. She was very different than my previous therapist, but that was good. Hitting these mental struggles from a different angle, a different point of view. But still, I was struggling greatly in my life. Not too long after, we started the conversation of medications. Now, I had been against taking meds in the beginning, figuring I could do it without them, but at this point, I was ready to try anything. 

I started my meds heading into the holiday season. They worked great. I was so happy. My life was fixed. No more mental illness for me. Or so I thought. A few weeks into the new year, the meds started to fade. It hit me so hard. I really thought I got a break. I went to a VERY dark place, one from which I almost didn’t escape.

Again, my amazing wife had saved me.

I started therapy more often and upped my meds. Again, I was feeling great, but this time I knew it wouldn’t last, and I was better prepared. And now a couple of years later, I am doing better than I have been in a very long time.

I am very open about my mental health struggles. I talk about it so openly that it tends to throw people off, but it doesn’t stop me. And what I’ve seen is people are very open to it. My personal training clients thank me for talking about it, saying that it’s nice to be able to talk openly about these things. I don’t shy away from it. It’s part of me, and I will have this for the rest of my life. 

But I know this now: opening up to my wife all those years ago was the scariest, and yet the strongest thing I have ever done. And I am thankful every day of my life for my family, friends, and everything in between that has made me the person I am today and whom I will be in the future.