The Aftermath of a First Responder’s Critical Incident

My name is Adam and I have been a police officer for 23 years and a Certified Peer Specialist. I began my law enforcement career in 2001 after serving as a United States Army Military Policeman. In April 2016, I was involved in a critical incident that changed my life forever when I used deadly force on someone who was armed with a hatchet inside a busy department store. This person died.

I suffered in silence for many years after my critical incident, and I am ashamed for the ways I poorly coped. I still feel shame for the ways I coped and treated people. I find it hard to believe that nobody realized or even had a gut feeling that I was not doing well. I could not have been that good at hiding my poor coping strategies — or was I? I have always wondered if people were slowly watching me self-destruct because they did not know what to say to me, how to help me, or they simply did not want to get involved.

It has taken me many years to get back on track. There are many different coping strategies people may use after experiencing trauma. They may be good and healthy or they may be bad and unhealthy. My coping strategies were bad, unhealthy, self-destructive, and dangerous. 

My poor coping strategies easily put my relationships, job, and health at risk, but I did not care. I wanted to escape from what I was feeling. I wanted to numb my emotions, my thoughts, my body, and any memory of taking someone’s life. I wanted to feel better even if only momentarily. I was selfish, reckless, and I did not care how my self-destructive and dangerous behavior may have affected my family, friends, children, co-workers, and the public.

There were many times after my critical incident that I did not want to go to work. This was not because I had other plans or that I was hungover from consuming too much alcohol — one of my poor coping strategies — but because I just wanted to stay at home and isolate myself from the world. I wanted to lock all the doors of my home, close all the curtains, and shut everyone out of my life, which I did many times for many years. Sure, I called in sick from time to time, but on one occasion, I intentionally injured myself so that I didn’t have to work. I ended up in the emergency room and told the doctor and nurses that I had tripped and fallen down walking out of the back door of my house and struck my knee on the steel covering of an underground septic tank. My story was believable enough. I received X-rays of my knee, a prescription for pain medication, and crutches. I was discharged from the emergency room with a doctor’s letter releasing me from work for about one week. This occurred during a busy holiday work week. Although I was not able to truly celebrate the holiday, this deception got me out of work, and I was able to enjoy the time alone at home.

Another way I was able to get out of working was to intentionally make myself sick. I was sent home one shift after I masterfully played the role of “sick employee”.

Another of my many poor coping strategies was substance use. Prior to the incident, I collected wine and enjoyed a glass every now and then. However, after the incident, I began excessively drinking liquor, mainly whiskey and the cheapest vodka I could get my hands on. I would consume whiskey and vodka straight from their bottles, on the rocks, or I would create my own cocktails by combining over-the-counter liquid sleeping or liquid allergy medicines. There were times I would mix in whatever leftover prescription medicines I had in the medicine cabinet, and it didn’t matter if they were prescribed to me or someone else. In the end though, substance use may have been a quick fix, but it caused me even more stress, anxiety, and depression.

In September 2018, I drafted a written contract with myself not to consume alcohol. I don’t remember writing the contract, but there was something inside of me that recognized how self-destructive alcohol was. This contract quickly became null and void because it took me another three years to reduce my alcohol consumption.

In December 2021 I experienced a panic attack during an active shooter training, which led to a psychological assessment in January 2022. The assessment lasted seven hours and resulted in a nine-page document about my mental health. I was thinking about not being honest during the evaluation. I thought I could beat the evaluation. I chose to be honest with the evaluation and myself; that was the only way I would receive the help I needed. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD with Acute Stress by the police department’s psychologist and deemed unfit for duty. This meant I was not able to return to work and needed to undergo intense psychotherapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), biofeedback, and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

I requested a 90-day leave of absence to work on my mental health in hopes of returning to duty. I attended therapy two and three days a week for 90 days. I was finally undergoing the right kind of mental health treatment that helped me heal and understand why I adapted to poor coping strategies and self-medicated myself. I only wished I had begun this therapy five years earlier, but it was better later than never.

In April 2022, during my leave of absence, I was placed on a safety plan because of my suicidal ideations. The psychological exam discovered an elevated risk of harm to myself. I agreed not to engage in self-harm, destructive or life-threatening behavior, or any other high-risk behavior to myself or others. I don’t remember ever wanting to die by suicide, but it was very evident that I was heading in that direction. There were many nights I would pray to God that he would not let me wake up in the morning.

In May 2022, I met with my police chief and was told my leave of absence was not going to be extended. I was given the option to resign or be terminated. I chose not to resign and was terminated.

What next? I had been diagnosed with a mental illness, had a safety plan, and was terminated from a job I’ve wanted since I was a little boy. I had been employed with the police department for 14 years, and now it was almost as if the police department washed their hands of me. I was ghosted by my co-workers, the same people who not only knew me professionally, but personally. They knew my family, helped me move, and even came to me with their own personal and professional mental health challenges. I would have died for them. I felt hopeless, helpless, and abandoned. I was devastated.

I continued weekly therapy. I am also prescribed medications that help me with my depression and generalized anxiety.

I have faced many personal and professional mental health challenges after my critical incident, and it has taken me many years to get back on track. I am currently employed again. I am where I am today because I finally put myself first and moved past my poor coping strategies. I would not have been successful with healing my mental health without the unwavering support of my family, friends, colleagues, counselors, and even some complete strangers. I am very grateful and will never be able to put into words how much their support means to me.

I also want to thank my colleague for strongly supporting my mental health. He is helping to stop the stigma of mental health in the law enforcement profession. He doesn’t just talk the talk – he puts his words into action.

Please reach out to someone if you believe they are struggling with their mental health. I know it may feel awkward or uncomfortable, but most people will not admit they are struggling, and most people will not reach out for help. You could be a light during a very dark time in their life. Remember, it’s okay to talk about your mental health. You are not alone. Please don’t suffer in silence.